BERENICE MASCIEL HAD THE completed divorce papers in her purse. She was done. It was over.
As a last-ditch effort, her husband, Gary, and a priest, convinced her to try one more thing. It was called Retrouvaille. She wasn’t even sure what that meant and pretty sure it wouldn’t help.
IN 2021, A CONTINGENCY OF RETROUVAILLE COMMUNITIES FROM THE U.S. AND EUROPE WERE GRANTED AN EXCLUSIVE AUDIENCE WITH POPE FRANCIS, WHO ADDRESSED THE VOLUNTEERS ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES TOGETHER. PHOTO COURTESY OF BRIAN CHU
“I was ‘whatever,’ she said.
Well, what ever it was, it worked. The weekend retreat was enough for Berenice to keep the papers in her purse. It didn’t cure everything. That would be a months-long process involving a number of follow-up meetings. The wounds which she and Gary keep to themselves were too deep. However, Berenice said the breakthrough came several months later. She was listening to a presentation by a couple of volunteers that had gone through almost identical travails and managed to save their marriage.
“I was bawling,” Bernice recalled, her voice quaking, “I couldn’t stop crying. A miracle happened.”
It broke her down all the way, but once the dam was broken, the way to true healing opened.
SAVING A MARRIAGE
The union of marriage is one of the most sacred and important covenants and sacraments in Catholic life. Sadly, it has also become one which is too easily disposed of.
In an effort to strengthen marriages and families, the bishops of the California Catholic Conference launched the “Radiate Love Initiative” in July.
In the spirit of the initiative, the Diocese of Orange highlights a program called Retrouvaille, an effort started in Canada in 1977 to save faltering and broken marriages. From the French word for reunion, Retrouvaille has become an effective and popular Catholic ministry that helps couples discover healing and hope in their marriages, whether they are in the beginning stages of cracking, well down the road to divorce, or already divorced and seeking reconciliation. Couples do not have to be Catholic to benefit from this ministry.
“They’re a ministry to save couples in crisis,” said Linda Ji, director of the Office of Family Life for the Diocese. “It’s something not a lot of people know about but has helped save many marriages. It’s only fitting to promote such a healing ministry during the bishops’ Radiate Love Initiative when we are called to show the world the truth and beauty of married love.”
RECOVERY IN THREE STAGES
Retrouvaille is a three-fold process. It begins with a retreat weekend. Guided by trained volunteer couples that have gone through the program, the retreat helps couples rediscover God’s love and purpose for them in challenging times. Through the weekend the couples learn about tools they can use to begin to learn and heal. After arriving on Friday night, couples go through two days listening to presentations by a priest and the volunteer couples and are given tools and strategies to improve communication and a chance to work on them together.
Couples begin the bonding process in private and are not required to share their experiences or participate in group discussions
The goal, said Fr. George Blais, who conducts the Retrouvaille seminars and programs for the Diocese, is to start building trust between husband and wife through sharing feelings, talking and listening.
“For me the lack of communication had me misreading where our marriage was,” said Gary, who with Berenice volunteers registering couples. “In my view, I was providing for my family. But I wasn’t open.”
Fr. Blais added: “It’s about developing trust, in each other, in the process and in God. It is also about regaining self-esteem that can become bruised and broken. We teach to love thy neighbor as thyself, but you have to like yourself. So, we start with the self.”
Although Berenice said she went in feeling bleak, there was just enough to give her an inkling of hope.
“You have to go in with a feeling of hope,” Gary said, “but there’s still a lot of work that needs to be done. As a male I’m guarded, but they start knocking down the walls.”
On Sunday of the Retrouvaille weekend, an afternoon Mass is held, and the differences can be remarkable. Couples that had been closed off from one another are often found sitting close together and even holding hands.
“A miracle happens on Saturday,” Berenice said.
CONTINUING THE WORK
As transformational as the weekend can be, it is only the start. Fr. Blais says marriages that have taken years to unravel are not repaired in a weekend, no matter how hard participants work.
The second phase consists of six post-retreat weekend sessions in which couples put their newfound tools to work, refining communication, rediscovering each other and examining their lives together in positive ways.
According to Fr. Blais it happens with “baby steps,” with the goal of couples to find their way back to the early days of their relationship.
Finally, couples attend monthly support meetings, called CORE for Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience. These can be anything from formal presentations and conventions to more informal gatherings and parties.
Retrouvaille literature states that of 5,000 participants surveyed, 75 percent who completed the course were together five years later.
Through the “Radiate Love” marriage initiative by the California Catholic Conference, our bishops “invite every Catholic to celebrate the beauty and goodness of marriage and family.” This may feel like a tough call for couples struggling in their marriages, but ministries like Retrouvaille invite such couples to hope and provide tools and support to radiate love too.
For all the hard work, Berenice said the reward can be overwhelming when she sees couples on the road to recovery.
“I’m overjoyed when I see that spark in their eyes.”
The next Retrouvaille weekend in Orange County is Feb. 21-23. For more information visit helpourmarriage.org