One of my favorite traditions each year is trimming the Christmas tree with the same decorations our family has used since long before I was born. Every ornament uniquely captures a moment of time in our collective history- porcelain baby booty denoting a baby’s first Christmas, a popsicle stick paste and glitter conglomeration of a wee one’s early ingenuity, and those retro bread dough concoctions made by my parents when they were dating back in the 1970s. These simple treasures are always a reminder to me of the gift of presence each person and moment they represent has been in my life. And something particularly dear to me now as a ritual of remembrance, since so many of those I shared these memories with are no longer with us.
Navigating the holidays with heartache, loss, and grief can be a particularly challenging and difficult time of year. Some say the first year without someone you love is the hardest while others claim the second year is when the death really sinks in during what is typically joyful and celebratory times for the rest of world around us. It can be disorienting to even see things continuing as “normal” while our hearts are shattered, and we are left picking up the pieces in those initial days and weeks. Perhaps in future years, there’s even a false expectation to “have gotten over it by now” and wondering why we still feel so heavy and emotional at certain times. As a nurse colleague once remarked, “never apologize for crying… tears are liquid love.” In my own life, even 15 years later, I still tear up at my niece and nephew’s Advent Programs when I look down our family in the row, deeply feeling the loss of the physical presence of my beloved dad whose prime delight in life was events and milestones like this. That love is eternal, and the liquid love streams forth with each passing year since his death. This time of year, is often the most common time of year for seeing loved ones, near and far and festivities in the workplace, social circles and thus, being reminded that things are possibly not so light and jovial in our own lives. While the world is jingling all the way, this is often the very last disposition a grieving heart finds oneself. But you are not alone no matter whether you have lost someone you loved yesterday, 30 years ago, or are presently holding vigil with anticipatory grief of the loss to come.
As we make our way preparing our hearts for this season, there are many ways we can make space for tears, memories, grief, time away, time together, and nourishing ourselves by leaning into God’s solace and peace and preparation for what we need to endure this time. Grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt describes a few practical ways to do this in the milieu of the holidays including planning ahead for family gatherings and being aware of our emotional and mental limits this season. Wolfelt also states this may mean managing expectations about whether you will participate in the same way or same capacity as you usually do. It may also mean saying no altogether or leaving early. There may be triggers such as if you recently experienced a miscarriage and a particular party will have many young children in the family present. This is ok. And quite often, loved ones are far more understanding than we realize. Taking care of you is what is most important, not holding the burden of expectations.
In addition to grieving the loss of a loved one, this season may be overwhelming as you are holding another particular struggle whether from mental illness, a recent diagnosis, a breakup, loneliness, divorce, addiction, fears of deportation, incarceration, family estrangement and more. Or perhaps a compounding of these that makes you feel particularly vulnerable and on the margins. Whatever the reason your heart is heavy, know that tending to yourself is healthy and restorative. Give yourself time to reflect on how grief is coming up in your body and attend to those needs, including but not limited to, making appointments with your own doctors and providers and practically attending to your physical and mental health amid all you are carrying. And sometimes we need a little help in these burdens so reaching out to counselors, clergy, friends, neighbors or a grief support group can guide us in this journey too. It is also up to all of us to extend our support to those around us, offering help with even simple household tasks or making the time to pay a visit to someone in our lives this season who may be struggling and in need because we may not know the crosses others may carry.
Nurturing your spiritual life is a deep source of comfort in sustaining you through difficult times which is why turning to Christ on the Crucifix is such a powerful solidarity with all suffering. We have countless examples of grief in our faith from Jesus weeping over a dear friend in the Gospel of John to Mary holding the broken body of her Son our Brother Christ, at the foot of the cross in “La Pieta” to innumerable saints who have endured deep pain and heartache in their lives which later on, actually allowed them to be uniquely present in empathy to others in need. Perhaps your spiritual life looks a bit different than before your loss, maybe it’s too much to attend your usual Mass time and seeing familiar faces so opting for an earlier quieter liturgy may be what you need in that moment. You may consider using time with the Blessed Sacrament to share with the true Presence of Christ all you are feeling, the sadness, even anger, remorse and longing. Exploring forms of prayer that perhaps you haven’t in the past, such as Lectio Divinia- “Divine Reading” of scripture and prayers specifically around themes of bereavement. And pray for the dead as well as the living and ask them to pray for you- you may consider having a mass offered particularly for this loved one this time of year or attend a healing mass at your parish. Making time to walk in God’s Creation or check in 1:1 with a close friend, spiritual director, and/or deacon/priest can also help guide you as you process and mourn allows us to lean into the fellowship of the Mystical Body of Christ as well.
As a chaplain colleague once remarked to me, “grief demands to be felt. You may feel it coming up in the workplace or as you try to go about your daily life and may need to hold back to get through the day, but it’s important to follow up and make an appointment with that grief.” Setting some specific time aside to allow yourself to mourn and feel the love and loss can be the best gift we give ourselves. I often think of those lyrics from the famous Amy Grant song, “breath of heaven, hold me together, pour over me your holiness.” What could be a more fitting prayer as we navigate this season, drawing close to the humility, humanity and hope of the Incarnation, finding our refuge in that manger.
We recognize that there may be things you are holding that are particularly difficult as we head into this season. And it is in these times that the Church draws especially near to those who mourn, as the Psalm 147 tell us, “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” So, my dear sisters and brothers, let’s lean into grace, keep the faith and know we are not alone, help is available this season and all times. As you hear that famous Advent hymn proclaim, “O Come O Come Emmanuel” which indeed means, God with us, know that He is speaking to you and me. He does not leave our side now and forever. Please take good care of yourself and one another this season and always. Virtual/newsprint hugs and blessings to you.
Resources:
rcbo.org/hope-healing-after-abortion
https://www.usccb.org/prayers/prayers-death-and- dying
The New Hope Peer-to-Peer Support Line’s mission is to provide a free of charge telephone support line that offers nonjudgmental peer listening and Christian love to anyone seeking help during the following hours: Mon. through Fri. 7:30 a.m. to 9:30 p.m.; Sat. and Sun. 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. To speak with someone during operating hours, call 714-NEW-HOPE (714) 639-4673.